Wednesday was a nightmare. Had back to back meetings with the CEO and top management of the company. The first meeting went ok-ish, was pretty intense but went well over-all. Then I walk into the next meeting, which btw was supposed to be a Costing Meeting and I was uber prepared for it, but then the meeting got hi-jacked and turned into a meeting to discuss my new position, which incidentally I was NOT prepared for. Well, I won't bore you with the details of exactly what went down but half way through the meeting the CEO goes off at one of the MD's and barges out of the boardroom. This is immediately followed by said MD freaking out and basically throwing his toys out the cot and also storms out. Now at this stage everyone is pretty tense and you all know how GREAT I am with confrontation and such, plus I am somewhat stressed due to the fact that I am currently filling two full-time positions and trying somehow to get it all done and prevent complete chaos and still somehow impress them all and prove that I am so the right choice for upper management. So you can just imagine how I was feeling. Next thing back comes the MD and goes off at me (in front of another MD, the company's financial director and two other colleagues) for not keeping him in the loop and basically throwing him to the wolves (which was not the case at all to be discovered at a later stage). Well, I tried soooooooo hard to keep my composure but couldn't deal any longer and the meltdown ensued. I'm talking full on ugly cry in front of some of the most senior people in the company. I was mortified, and feeling like I don't have what it takes and they are all going to think CEO is crazy for giving me the job and that I cant even handle an in-house meeting!
It was terrible and utterly draining, and I have realized that I have no idea what I'm doing. This is not like anything I have ever done before and there is so much I am completely clueless about. This is hardcore man. I know that I can do the actual work, but I am not so sure about all the management stuff. The position I am being put in is not the kind of position offered to people our age. I almost feel like I haven't got the life-experience that goes with something like this. It's like there is this whole different etiquette that I have to adhere to that I have no clue about. There are ways that things are supposed to be done and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing!!
I know that CEO would not take a risk on me if he didn't KNOW that I have what it takes. I mean this is his company, if I fail, he fails. So I know that if he sees that in me then it's there. But that doesn't change the fact that I am so green and have sooooooooo much to still learn. I feel like a child in a very grown up world. I guess that it's a good thing that I realize that. I am open and ready to learn, so I foresee many more bumps along this road but I'm on it now and I'll do my best to make it work.
It's so much more of a challenge than I thought.
Sweetie, i know you are feeling so overwhelemd at the moment. i reckon you should give yourself a little time in the evening to feel depro and little and small, then you will see that you cant stay that way, cos it is in your nature to work hard and be good at what u do. it will be hard, it will be like running in water, but i know you, you wont give up. and remeber, you have all this support, we beleive in you (with good reason) we love you, jacques knws you can, your boss totally knows you can. you can. crying in a meeting sucks, but it doesnt mean you cant do the job. it just means u are human. tomorrow u will be fine, and keep on trucking :)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree!!
ReplyDeleteThe big world can be a very scary place.
But I know you have the balls (well lady equivalent) to tackle it head on.
I am so proud of you for stepping up into the huge challenge set ahead of you.
It really encourages me not to give up on my side (like I feel like doing on a weekly basis).