Lol - okay so...
Some developments since my last post...
darren went away for 2weeks... i though i was going to miss him and really feel it... uhh... nope... lol. my online life was quiet for the time, but i just missed his friendship... was an odd realisation after my epiphany that i had... i didnt send the sms :)
Thank you my Llovely Llama Lladies, i loved how you guys were "of course go for it take the step" but also didnt want me to get hurt... you all reacted just the way i thought you would, and that is with absolute love for me and i thank you so much for that (i may be teary eyed typing this).
I'm very glad i didnt send it, but at the same time I'm glad that i was about to... lets face it, in the life of Jan, typing the sms was a big step ;p
Other developements was spending (yes, still youth time) time with Tim, we had a stay awake at youth one wednesday and i realised how much we really do click... he's also really in photography :)
so the jury is still out... but we're seeing where that goes...
Darren is egging me on to follow through with it, he seems to think Tim is the bees knees, so he's a bit biased lol :p
*insert facebook snooping here* just know that he's hardly in facebook so there isnt much about him on it ;)
i have in fact... sms'd Tim to see if he'll go to a photo gallery with me tomorrow, was unplanned... i just wanted to go and thought tomorrow worked well and decided to sms him, but since he's not a night owl like me and i sms'd him close to midnight, he was already asleep, so i'll see if he replies tomorrow... fingers crossed ;)
Other than boys - i've been having admin issues... not sure if i'll be getting my British passport... and apprently Planet Fitness have 'handed me over' to a debt collector because i owe them R223 from a year and half ago that i knew nothing about... but i dont feel like going into it now... its boring, lol.
Just wanted to update you on the boys... realised that i hadnt yet :)
& to say thank you for all your support and love...
Love you Lladies!!!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Not "rocking the show" but doing "ok"
Hey,
I'm not "rocking the show" but I'm doing "ok". I'm on my meds now. The anti-anxiety ones have helped alot - I'm so much more chilled and less edgy (I think Wez is super happy with this). The anti-depressents will only really kick in sometime next week - so I guess "watch this space"? Still feeling low but atleast I have a routine now - I wake up with Wez, eat breakfast, pills, lunch, pills, snack, pills, supper, sleeping pills. Woohoo :P. Sounds bad hey. oh well.
I'm waiting for my marks which are driving me crazy - they're only gonna be released on the 2 July. It sucks. I hate waiting so long and then I fail a subject :(
Well, that's all I got (or can manage) for now.
Anyhoo, in honour of fathers' day I wrote a poem. It's not about my dad though, but rather about my grandfather.
Hands of Love:
feverishly
you loved her
so much so
you
held her hand
in
yours
now the McBeth stain holds you captive
a self-given-guilt no washing can free
seventy-five years have passed
your liquid love
hidden away
deep beneath
your hands
now cracked
like dried earth
she had flu
and so did you
you were a child
and she was only two
how were you to know
what your hands of love could do?
you should know:
no-one
no-one
no-one
blamed
you
I'm not "rocking the show" but I'm doing "ok". I'm on my meds now. The anti-anxiety ones have helped alot - I'm so much more chilled and less edgy (I think Wez is super happy with this). The anti-depressents will only really kick in sometime next week - so I guess "watch this space"? Still feeling low but atleast I have a routine now - I wake up with Wez, eat breakfast, pills, lunch, pills, snack, pills, supper, sleeping pills. Woohoo :P. Sounds bad hey. oh well.
I'm waiting for my marks which are driving me crazy - they're only gonna be released on the 2 July. It sucks. I hate waiting so long and then I fail a subject :(
Well, that's all I got (or can manage) for now.
Anyhoo, in honour of fathers' day I wrote a poem. It's not about my dad though, but rather about my grandfather.
Hands of Love:
feverishly
you loved her
so much so
you
held her hand
in
yours
now the McBeth stain holds you captive
a self-given-guilt no washing can free
seventy-five years have passed
your liquid love
hidden away
deep beneath
your hands
now cracked
like dried earth
she had flu
and so did you
you were a child
and she was only two
how were you to know
what your hands of love could do?
you should know:
no-one
no-one
no-one
blamed
you
Sunday, June 13, 2010
All you need is love, ba ba ba ba ba.........
Helloo my friendy friends :)
I know I havent posted in a while. Suppose i was waiting for the news to build up, and you guys seemed to be having alot more interestingness than me anyway.
Well, Since i last posted I have been cave exploring (not for the claustrophobic by the way, they dont tell you THAT on the website.) which was awesome in many ways. Similar in a way to diving cos you get to see whats under the surface and it gives a certain perspective.Our guide was this afrikaaner who kept cracking these lame jokes that we were sometimes wondering whether to laugh at or not. but anyway, it took about 3 hours in total to finigh the entire exploration. Was super fun :) definately wanna do that again.
Things with work seem to finally be getting into a rhythm. Haven't been kakked out in a week so that and counting :) The wife is actually talking to me now and the kid now wants me around, if only cos i am like a permanent play mate :P but hey, im getting paid alot to be a play mate. The visit from my mom helped alot too. I had gotten to the point where i had forgotten who i was and why I came here. Forgotten to be proud of myself for the things ive done, even if they weret all that amazing to others.
Downer came when Rodney seemed to finally click that we were over based on a facebook status of mine he read. He went crazy and sort of angry at me for a while, but truthfully,i had no emotional energy to spare him and my mother waqs visiting for one precious weekend, so i just told him he would have to talk to me once the weekend was over and he had calmed down. I was upset cos i thought i had made it clear before, but obviously, not clear enough. In any case, i literally felt i was so far ahead on being over this whole thing, i didnt let it get to me, i just enjoy the few moments i had with my mom. was very sad to see her go, made me realise that so much of this would be easier if i just had my family and friends around me. most of the reason i struggle so much, is cos i dont have friends to back me up like always :P but thats life and i must grow up and face it. Mom did leave me with something though, whch was my confidence in myself, which i had lost aong the way. I now see i have to keep myself together and not come unravelled, which is what was happening.
And then on another note, i am a little biut of a whore but i dont really care right now :) im sure ive told you all a little bit about this guy who takes me out every sunday :) well anyway, things is, ya, he is cute and sweet and we get along and older and basically takes me anywhere i want and also drives really far out to see me every weekend :) 90km to be exact. and then back. and he has clearly told me he likes me. alot. but is willing to just have fun as well. so, ja. i ma kinda being won over a little.
so yesterday he takes me out and we just go around doing whatever really. went to church with me, regardless of not having been to church in a decade. went to breakfast. now girls, u should know that since the first day we went out i have known he was gonna kiss me. i just knew. finally yesterday he did. and i have to say i woke up with a smile on my face this morning :) :) :) so i know ive kinda just broke up with rodney, but to be truthful, i have been over him for alot longer. i am not saying im ready for another relationship or anything, but i will say its nice to be kissed, paid attention to and liked :)
so anyway, thats me for now. hope you guys are rocking your shows too :P
llove,
Jaguette.
I know I havent posted in a while. Suppose i was waiting for the news to build up, and you guys seemed to be having alot more interestingness than me anyway.
Well, Since i last posted I have been cave exploring (not for the claustrophobic by the way, they dont tell you THAT on the website.) which was awesome in many ways. Similar in a way to diving cos you get to see whats under the surface and it gives a certain perspective.Our guide was this afrikaaner who kept cracking these lame jokes that we were sometimes wondering whether to laugh at or not. but anyway, it took about 3 hours in total to finigh the entire exploration. Was super fun :) definately wanna do that again.
Things with work seem to finally be getting into a rhythm. Haven't been kakked out in a week so that and counting :) The wife is actually talking to me now and the kid now wants me around, if only cos i am like a permanent play mate :P but hey, im getting paid alot to be a play mate. The visit from my mom helped alot too. I had gotten to the point where i had forgotten who i was and why I came here. Forgotten to be proud of myself for the things ive done, even if they weret all that amazing to others.
Downer came when Rodney seemed to finally click that we were over based on a facebook status of mine he read. He went crazy and sort of angry at me for a while, but truthfully,i had no emotional energy to spare him and my mother waqs visiting for one precious weekend, so i just told him he would have to talk to me once the weekend was over and he had calmed down. I was upset cos i thought i had made it clear before, but obviously, not clear enough. In any case, i literally felt i was so far ahead on being over this whole thing, i didnt let it get to me, i just enjoy the few moments i had with my mom. was very sad to see her go, made me realise that so much of this would be easier if i just had my family and friends around me. most of the reason i struggle so much, is cos i dont have friends to back me up like always :P but thats life and i must grow up and face it. Mom did leave me with something though, whch was my confidence in myself, which i had lost aong the way. I now see i have to keep myself together and not come unravelled, which is what was happening.
And then on another note, i am a little biut of a whore but i dont really care right now :) im sure ive told you all a little bit about this guy who takes me out every sunday :) well anyway, things is, ya, he is cute and sweet and we get along and older and basically takes me anywhere i want and also drives really far out to see me every weekend :) 90km to be exact. and then back. and he has clearly told me he likes me. alot. but is willing to just have fun as well. so, ja. i ma kinda being won over a little.
so yesterday he takes me out and we just go around doing whatever really. went to church with me, regardless of not having been to church in a decade. went to breakfast. now girls, u should know that since the first day we went out i have known he was gonna kiss me. i just knew. finally yesterday he did. and i have to say i woke up with a smile on my face this morning :) :) :) so i know ive kinda just broke up with rodney, but to be truthful, i have been over him for alot longer. i am not saying im ready for another relationship or anything, but i will say its nice to be kissed, paid attention to and liked :)
so anyway, thats me for now. hope you guys are rocking your shows too :P
llove,
Jaguette.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
i dont know what to do... but i know im a crazy lady!
SOOOOO - i need some advice here my Llama Llady Friends...
I've been thinking... about Darren... not sure if everyone knows who he is, so quick fill in - he's become a really good friend of mine, and is Ryan's best friend, we run youth together and are very quickly becoming very close friends. he's studying electrical&computer engineering at Stellenbosch and is only 21.
now a little while ago, about Dec, i thought i liked him... but i convince myself that it was just coz we were close friends and that i was just getting confused... But now I'm realising that he is pretty much everything i would want in a guy...
not the airy-fairy stuff like he laughs at my stupid jokes and he can be sweet and charming... bla bla bla...
but i could, baring some apocalyptic event, see myself with him in 15 years, with a family... and that scares the bejeebers out of me... but at the same time makes me realise how deeply i feel for him... there are tons of things that I'm not going to gush about here, lol, that i genuinely love about him... BUT - the catch is, 1st of all in Darren's world i am just a friend, this I'm 95% sure of (the cons of knowing a guy so well). 2nd is that at the moment there is NO chemistry between us... but at the same time, i think its because I've always put that barrier between us, (we all know i can have a personal bubble made of Kevlar when i want to) and i think i have done that because I'm scared of the potential of chemistry...
now, i don't know if I'm making sense... sorry if I'm not :s
but i need to know if I've watched too many rom-coms, read too many romance books or listened to too many fairy stories... but i think that its slowly sinking in for me that Darren might just be the guy...
I've been praying about it and it's not going away, and now I've asked God that if this is the case, firstly - is He VERY sure... and 2ndly He has to put the spark into our friendship... coz i could marry my best friend & have a family with him, but I'm not sure i could be in a Relationship just based on that...
i feel crazy at the moment, so need to point that out...
but for a weird, very weird comparison, i have deep sense of knowing that this is real, like i did with being depressed... it Vanessa to convince me that i knew it, but i really did know it...
aaaaaaaaaaaaah - i think i sound crazy... but you girls know what that love is like... seeing yourself with someone in 15 years time... but i think i also might be crazy... :(
I've been thinking... about Darren... not sure if everyone knows who he is, so quick fill in - he's become a really good friend of mine, and is Ryan's best friend, we run youth together and are very quickly becoming very close friends. he's studying electrical&computer engineering at Stellenbosch and is only 21.
now a little while ago, about Dec, i thought i liked him... but i convince myself that it was just coz we were close friends and that i was just getting confused... But now I'm realising that he is pretty much everything i would want in a guy...
not the airy-fairy stuff like he laughs at my stupid jokes and he can be sweet and charming... bla bla bla...
but i could, baring some apocalyptic event, see myself with him in 15 years, with a family... and that scares the bejeebers out of me... but at the same time makes me realise how deeply i feel for him... there are tons of things that I'm not going to gush about here, lol, that i genuinely love about him... BUT - the catch is, 1st of all in Darren's world i am just a friend, this I'm 95% sure of (the cons of knowing a guy so well). 2nd is that at the moment there is NO chemistry between us... but at the same time, i think its because I've always put that barrier between us, (we all know i can have a personal bubble made of Kevlar when i want to) and i think i have done that because I'm scared of the potential of chemistry...
now, i don't know if I'm making sense... sorry if I'm not :s
but i need to know if I've watched too many rom-coms, read too many romance books or listened to too many fairy stories... but i think that its slowly sinking in for me that Darren might just be the guy...
I've been praying about it and it's not going away, and now I've asked God that if this is the case, firstly - is He VERY sure... and 2ndly He has to put the spark into our friendship... coz i could marry my best friend & have a family with him, but I'm not sure i could be in a Relationship just based on that...
i feel crazy at the moment, so need to point that out...
but for a weird, very weird comparison, i have deep sense of knowing that this is real, like i did with being depressed... it Vanessa to convince me that i knew it, but i really did know it...
aaaaaaaaaaaaah - i think i sound crazy... but you girls know what that love is like... seeing yourself with someone in 15 years time... but i think i also might be crazy... :(
Stuffs (a.k.a. "I-don't-know-what-to-call-this-blog")
Cyan has been missing for 4 days now and I am feeling uber depressed about it. I just wish I knew where he was or what has happened to him. I feel like at least if I know then I can move on, instead of coming home everyday and hoping to see him just to be disappointed and heartbroken all over again, and then stand outside calling him and wondering around the property looking for him. Constantly on the lookout. I put up signs today and placed an ad on gumtree. Probably wont even help.
This is insane, I really sound like one of those crazy cat ladies. I just got so attached to him, I always begged my mom for a cat but we could never get one because my allergies were too bad back then. So he really means so much to me, and he is such a special cat. Is it normal to feel this upset? Everyone is saying that cats are weird like that, they'll just disappear for days and then come back like nothing happened, but he has always been basically a house cat and he always came home for his food at night. It's not in his character to disappear like this. I guess that's why I cant stop feeling like something bad must have happened to him. I really hope not, I hope that he comes through the cat flap any minute now.
Other people must feel the same way about their pets, people get tattoos of their pets for crying out loud! So I guess its normal to be upset.
Anyway, let me stop my whining there. Work is hectic at the moment, super busy all the time and I just don't seem to be making headway through the mountain of work I have. Luckily we started interviewing people to be my assistant today and I think we have the candidate. But we still need to interview a couple of people. Soon I'll be able to hand off a lot of the mundane things I am currently bogged down with and get to the important stuff: making sure the company makes profit. Can't wait! And I have promised myself that as soon as implementation is complete I am taking a couple of days off, and hopefully getting away. So soon, soooooooooooooon *droooool*
Pretty stressed at the moment, skin freaking out, sleep deprived. DAMN I need a night out. Goth Day was supposed to be the Big Night Out, but like an utter idiot (and by this I mean EPIC FAILURE at even qualifying to be called an idiot) I left my ID at home and couldn't get into Gandalfs (seriously, I kid you not they would not let me in) after driving all the way there in crazy rugby traffic. You can't even begin to imagine how pissed I was!! And there is nothing worse than being pissed at yourself, coz there's not much you can do about it. You cant exactly throttle yourself, which would have been the result if it was anyone else who had forgotten their ID. I would have made them wait in the car for the night, while I partied like a rockstar. I think they refer to that as impotent anger.
We got Top TV (the new satelite tv thingi). It's totally awesome! Costs only a third of DSTV it's really great. Its got Fox Entertainment, Fox Retro (all the old ass shows like M*A*S*H, Tropical Heat, Miami Vice, Six Million Dollar Man etc), several Discovery Channels, MGM channel, Showtime, Sci-Fi channel, a bunch of movie channels and my personal favorite a metal music channel :). Totally chuffed with it.
Really missing you guys a lot. We HAVE to hook up soon, need me some Llama time.
LUVS!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
The Blogfish Lives!!!!!
Yes, I am no longer Boomba (the dog-sniffing cat in the TV series Dogstar) but BLOGFISH!!! Yes! Modelled on our attractive friend the Blobfish, I aim to keep my appearance above that of our friend (LOL) , and to "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" through the bloggasphere!
____________________________________________________________________________
Ok, life update.
BREAKING NEWS....I almos died! I almos did! Seeeriuus! Lol. Exhaustion and exam stress! Geez I have never felt so freaked out about exams before (may be related to the next bit of breaking news). Luckily the horror of the three-day marathon session is over, and a 7-week-long holiday awaits. I am so extremely sleep-deprived at this point that I feel like a crazy person. (So if this message seems disturbed it is because I really am)
I also went to see the psychologist and spewed out my life story - turns out I'm not suppose to live life like a depressed hermit with skitzo-tendancies (as if white-tendancies weren't enough pressure!). She reckons I have a crazy-person-cocktail of anxiety, depression and OCD. I reckon she's right. And I'm at the point where I'm really starting to loose it - I mean really lose it - I sometimes believe I can help Wesley work better if I wash the dishes in a certain way of clean the room in the right order. Yup - loosing it - so I guess it's great timing then? She also reckons I need meds, and that I might need then for life - weird. So, I'm seeing the psychiatrist on the 9th for my meds. They are apparently only going to kick in after 6-weeks of taking it. So basically when I start classes next semester, I will be a bright, new, shinny Candi. I'm really excited to see the difference it will make to my life. So yeah, I'm looking forward to being on psych meds! LOL.
IN OTHER NEWS....Wez is in Namibia until Friday, and I will be helping out my very pregnant friend Maritza move house tomorrow (Thursday).
Oh yeah, I almost got mugged then didn't thanks to a kindly gardener who gave me shelter while the crazy/drunk bergie passed. Yay!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Have a great week ladies :)
____________________________________________________________________________
Ok, life update.
BREAKING NEWS....I almos died! I almos did! Seeeriuus! Lol. Exhaustion and exam stress! Geez I have never felt so freaked out about exams before (may be related to the next bit of breaking news). Luckily the horror of the three-day marathon session is over, and a 7-week-long holiday awaits. I am so extremely sleep-deprived at this point that I feel like a crazy person. (So if this message seems disturbed it is because I really am)
I also went to see the psychologist and spewed out my life story - turns out I'm not suppose to live life like a depressed hermit with skitzo-tendancies (as if white-tendancies weren't enough pressure!). She reckons I have a crazy-person-cocktail of anxiety, depression and OCD. I reckon she's right. And I'm at the point where I'm really starting to loose it - I mean really lose it - I sometimes believe I can help Wesley work better if I wash the dishes in a certain way of clean the room in the right order. Yup - loosing it - so I guess it's great timing then? She also reckons I need meds, and that I might need then for life - weird. So, I'm seeing the psychiatrist on the 9th for my meds. They are apparently only going to kick in after 6-weeks of taking it. So basically when I start classes next semester, I will be a bright, new, shinny Candi. I'm really excited to see the difference it will make to my life. So yeah, I'm looking forward to being on psych meds! LOL.
IN OTHER NEWS....Wez is in Namibia until Friday, and I will be helping out my very pregnant friend Maritza move house tomorrow (Thursday).
Oh yeah, I almost got mugged then didn't thanks to a kindly gardener who gave me shelter while the crazy/drunk bergie passed. Yay!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Have a great week ladies :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Llama Lamb
just a short note, does anyone else think that the Llama Luv pic totally looks more like a Llama Llamb? Is super cute tho...and I'm totally in favour of lambs :)
BLOG VIRGIN
teehee - Hi, my name is SillyMonkeyLlamaLlady, and I'm a blog virgin :)
So - whats there to tell you:
I am on holiday... sort of... i have finished exams and am waiting for the results... i hate this part.
I am busy organising a youth holiday programme, which should be fun once the admin is done, just one event a week during the holidays.
otherwise... im looking for a place to do french lessons, i have to learn how to speak french if i want to work in Africa further than southern Africa... *sigh* wish me luck :s
oooh - boys: we still like Tim, but he's making things too difficult, so i've given up playing along.
for the scoop - forget who i have and haven't told - he's a youth leader with me, he's 21 and just started his internship at a landscaping company and will be graduating at the end of the year. not sure what it is i really like about him, but he has a grin that gets me into trouble :s
anyway - we've kinda been flirting with each other, the only prob is that this is all at youth so i wont be too obvious about liking him and he hasnt taken any lead to take it outside of youth - SO its kinda stuck.
and this is usually where i make the mistake and become really good friends with the guy to try and take it further and i end up as the 'friend' and not 'girlfriend material' SOOOO - i'm leaving it...
lol! it's a very different approach to how i normally function - BUT - im learning :p see Mic - its possible!!!
Otherwise, things are good :) just could do with some more money and time - but cant we all :p
ooh - diet wise; its been hard the last few weeks, i think its just been too long - June is the 4th month. BUT i shall persever - and im trudging along and going to gym and walking the dogs... which is a bonuse because until now i havent been doing much excerise, so i've lost 20kg just dieting... :)
also i found that i've been weighting my food incorrectly sometimes, so thats back on track... so hopefully it'll pick up again and i can reach my goal by the end of August :)
i've also decided to join a hiking club, i really want to go oout hiking more, and my social circle - as much as i love my ladies - could do with some increasing, lol.
otherwiiiiiiiise - i cant think of anything :p
lots of llama llove!!!!
So - whats there to tell you:
I am on holiday... sort of... i have finished exams and am waiting for the results... i hate this part.
I am busy organising a youth holiday programme, which should be fun once the admin is done, just one event a week during the holidays.
otherwise... im looking for a place to do french lessons, i have to learn how to speak french if i want to work in Africa further than southern Africa... *sigh* wish me luck :s
oooh - boys: we still like Tim, but he's making things too difficult, so i've given up playing along.
for the scoop - forget who i have and haven't told - he's a youth leader with me, he's 21 and just started his internship at a landscaping company and will be graduating at the end of the year. not sure what it is i really like about him, but he has a grin that gets me into trouble :s
anyway - we've kinda been flirting with each other, the only prob is that this is all at youth so i wont be too obvious about liking him and he hasnt taken any lead to take it outside of youth - SO its kinda stuck.
and this is usually where i make the mistake and become really good friends with the guy to try and take it further and i end up as the 'friend' and not 'girlfriend material' SOOOO - i'm leaving it...
lol! it's a very different approach to how i normally function - BUT - im learning :p see Mic - its possible!!!
Otherwise, things are good :) just could do with some more money and time - but cant we all :p
ooh - diet wise; its been hard the last few weeks, i think its just been too long - June is the 4th month. BUT i shall persever - and im trudging along and going to gym and walking the dogs... which is a bonuse because until now i havent been doing much excerise, so i've lost 20kg just dieting... :)
also i found that i've been weighting my food incorrectly sometimes, so thats back on track... so hopefully it'll pick up again and i can reach my goal by the end of August :)
i've also decided to join a hiking club, i really want to go oout hiking more, and my social circle - as much as i love my ladies - could do with some increasing, lol.
otherwiiiiiiiise - i cant think of anything :p
lots of llama llove!!!!
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